Issue: Al Gore III was arrested for driving his Prius 100 mph at 2:30 am on a California highway. A search of the car yielded marijuana, Xanax, Vicodin, Adderall, and Soma. Here is how this episode was caused by man-made global warming.
1st degree: The Earth has a history of climate change, but only now that people have technology do we know that it is caused by people using technology, exhaling, and allowing cows to expel gas. We also must assume that the end of the last ice age was caused by our actions today. Impossible you say? Not if our actions today are the only possible causes of global warming.
2nd degree: Former Vice President Al Gore, struggling for relevance, has found a home as the Caliph of the new Global Warming religion. The children of a savior are bound to be under incredible pressure.
3rd degree: The pressure of living up to his name weighed mightily on the younger Gore. He apparently turned to drugs to relieve some of that pressure. One could argue that being the son of Al Gore is reasonable justification for using marijuana for medical (psychological) reasons.
4th degree: Al III so wanted to impress the almighty Goracle that he devised a plan. He would drive really fast... so fast that he would reverse the Earth’s revolutions and take the planet back to a time before technology. This idea was no doubt inspired by “Superman” starring the late Christopher Reeve.
5th degree: The time came to execute the plan. Puffy Gore’s concerts around the world were soon to start and Al III knew that if he could eliminate the cause of global warming before all these energy consuming events could take place he could be a hero in the eyes of the father. He would have been solely responsible for saving Al The Prophet from realizations of obvious hypocrisy.
6th degree: Unfortunately, Al III spent the money his father had allotted him for carbon offsets on drugs so he could not afford to buy anything with more power than his Prius. Thus the fact that he was driving a Prius prevented the successful execution of the plan.
There is a bright side to this episode. WE now know that if you want to travel at a speed capable of reversing the rotation of The Earth you should not try to do it in a hybrid.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Global Warming Threatens Congressional Family Unity!
Issue: Nancy Pelosi is gearing up to fight the DOD over allowing adult children of congressmen and women to fly at taxpayer expense when the member's spouse is unable to accompany him or her. Some may think that Speaker In Chief Pelosi wants even more perks in her new non-"culture of corruption" congress. I say she seeks only family unity in her quest to fight man made global warming!
1st degree: Nancy Pelosi is bound by her appointment as nanny to the world to fight, among other things, man made global warming. The best way to do this is to fly to places such as Greenland.
2nd degree: Even though Greenland's melting in the 1920's was worse than the most recent melting (Sirius Radio's Mike Church found a study that will never be seen in the un-biased media) we now know that common people driving and breathing is causing such climate catastrophes. In addition to that, Nancy's boy Paul Jr. always wanted to visit Greenland.
3rd degree: Nancy's little boy gets only $180,000.00 a year from Vinod Gupta's InfoUSA. Even though that isn't bad for a "second" full time job, one that he only need show up at a couple times a week, he cannot fly on InfoUSA's private jet since Hillary has caused such a stir by racking up $900,000 worth of flight's on Vinod Gupta's dime. (This is not a matter of corruption since the Republicans are out of power.)
4th degree: Nancy is determined for Paul Jr. to be able to join her on her next trip to a man-made global warming hot spot and being the child of royalty he should not be expected to finance his own trip. So Madame Nanny has requested that children of congress members be allowed to accompany the members without reimbursement when the spouse is unable to for health reasons.
5th degree: Paul Pelosi Sr. is believed to be citing stress as a health reason not to join the shrew... I mean his wife, on her next crusade against people that drive and exhale. Stress that can be attributed to securing more real estate holdings that can benefit from Nancy's waterworks earmarks and finding cheap (illegal) labor for San Fran based DelMonte.
6th degree: It is expected that soon Vinod Gupta will pay former President Bill Clinton another $3 million for consulting work. This time it will be for speaking to Clinton hold-overs at the DOD to allow Vinod's prize employee to join mommy on Air Force 1 1/2 the next time she jets off to some really cool place that we the people are destroying.
1st degree: Nancy Pelosi is bound by her appointment as nanny to the world to fight, among other things, man made global warming. The best way to do this is to fly to places such as Greenland.
2nd degree: Even though Greenland's melting in the 1920's was worse than the most recent melting (Sirius Radio's Mike Church found a study that will never be seen in the un-biased media) we now know that common people driving and breathing is causing such climate catastrophes. In addition to that, Nancy's boy Paul Jr. always wanted to visit Greenland.
3rd degree: Nancy's little boy gets only $180,000.00 a year from Vinod Gupta's InfoUSA. Even though that isn't bad for a "second" full time job, one that he only need show up at a couple times a week, he cannot fly on InfoUSA's private jet since Hillary has caused such a stir by racking up $900,000 worth of flight's on Vinod Gupta's dime. (This is not a matter of corruption since the Republicans are out of power.)
4th degree: Nancy is determined for Paul Jr. to be able to join her on her next trip to a man-made global warming hot spot and being the child of royalty he should not be expected to finance his own trip. So Madame Nanny has requested that children of congress members be allowed to accompany the members without reimbursement when the spouse is unable to for health reasons.
5th degree: Paul Pelosi Sr. is believed to be citing stress as a health reason not to join the shrew... I mean his wife, on her next crusade against people that drive and exhale. Stress that can be attributed to securing more real estate holdings that can benefit from Nancy's waterworks earmarks and finding cheap (illegal) labor for San Fran based DelMonte.
6th degree: It is expected that soon Vinod Gupta will pay former President Bill Clinton another $3 million for consulting work. This time it will be for speaking to Clinton hold-overs at the DOD to allow Vinod's prize employee to join mommy on Air Force 1 1/2 the next time she jets off to some really cool place that we the people are destroying.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Its Not Amnesty... It Is Refuge From Global Warming
Issue: Teddy Kennedy swam into closed door deal with The Bush Administration and some faux Rebublicans in the senate (John McCain dropped by to take credit and say F U to the senators that worked on this deal) to come up with a "compromise" to deal with illegal immigration. While many believe this is a way to create a larger base for the Democrats since many of these people will need government assistance, which is what the Democrats specialize in.
I say it all goes back to global warming.
1st degree: Teddy Kennedy has been pressured to support a wind farm near property he owns which would provide an alternate energy source, and thus decrease oil dependence and emissions that might contribute to global warming.
2nd degree: Teddy has two problems with the wind farm. First, it would ruin the view from his veranda. Second, it would be off shore and he might be expected to do a ribbon cutting (he doesn't trust himself with a large group of people out on the open water.)
3rd degree: Being a "caring" liberal and wanting to do his part to aid in the struggle against man-made global warming, as long as it doesn't reduce his property value, he assigns his staff the task of finding a cause he can champion.
4th degree: At 11:30 am one Monday morning as Teddy was finishing his sixth martini of the day, a young staffer came in and suggested he revitalize his push for growing the base through amnesty for illegals.
5th degree: As Teddy reached out to toast the staffer, he sloshed his martini on his autographed picture of Al Gore holding a globe. He suddenly had his equivalent of a lightbulb go on above his head. Of course in his case this is more like nightlight.
6th degree: Invigorated, Teddy instructs the staffer to alert his usual gang of Republican accomplices to help him with his plan to save people from global warming and increase the base! The staffer says, "Hunh?" Teddy in full drunken stupor explains, "Are you stupid? If we give amnesty to the people who are here illegally and encourage them to bring their extended families we can increase our base and save them from global warming... everyone knows its cooler here than in Mexico!"
I say it all goes back to global warming.
1st degree: Teddy Kennedy has been pressured to support a wind farm near property he owns which would provide an alternate energy source, and thus decrease oil dependence and emissions that might contribute to global warming.
2nd degree: Teddy has two problems with the wind farm. First, it would ruin the view from his veranda. Second, it would be off shore and he might be expected to do a ribbon cutting (he doesn't trust himself with a large group of people out on the open water.)
3rd degree: Being a "caring" liberal and wanting to do his part to aid in the struggle against man-made global warming, as long as it doesn't reduce his property value, he assigns his staff the task of finding a cause he can champion.
4th degree: At 11:30 am one Monday morning as Teddy was finishing his sixth martini of the day, a young staffer came in and suggested he revitalize his push for growing the base through amnesty for illegals.
5th degree: As Teddy reached out to toast the staffer, he sloshed his martini on his autographed picture of Al Gore holding a globe. He suddenly had his equivalent of a lightbulb go on above his head. Of course in his case this is more like nightlight.
6th degree: Invigorated, Teddy instructs the staffer to alert his usual gang of Republican accomplices to help him with his plan to save people from global warming and increase the base! The staffer says, "Hunh?" Teddy in full drunken stupor explains, "Are you stupid? If we give amnesty to the people who are here illegally and encourage them to bring their extended families we can increase our base and save them from global warming... everyone knows its cooler here than in Mexico!"
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Putting the "gross" in Gross Receipts
April 29, 2007
Issue: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has proposed a Gross Receipts Tax on any Illinois business venture that has gross receipts in excess of $2 million annually. If this tax goes into effect no business would consider moving to Illinois and existing business owners would have to strongly consider moving from Illinois or closing their doors altogether.
1st degree: Chicago Mayor Richard Daley was riding to the office one unseasonably warm March morning (man-made global warming strikes again.) and noticed he was sweating. He asked the driver why the Hell it so warm in the car and was told the A/C wasn’t working. After berating the driver all the way to the office, Daley was really over-heated.
2nd degree: Stomping into his office, he noticed his personal lap dog Rod Blagojevich admiring his hair-helmet in the mayor’s mirror. “Sit!” Daley commanded to the submissive governor.
3rd degree: Once seated, Rod was treated to a tirade regarding the lack of funds being funneled to Chicago as the mayor explained, “I can’t even get a car with a functioning air conditioner!”
4th degree: A cowering Governor Blagojevich stammers about the state budget not being sufficient to fulfill the mayor’s needs.
5th degree: Mayor Daley gently informed the governor that he was put in the governor’s office for one reason, to serve the whims of The Chicago Machine, so he better find a way to get the money to its rightful place.
6th degree: In the wake of his mayoral spanking, Governor Blagojevich decided to prove he was a good liberal while finding a way to finance M other Chicago’s desires. He decided to tax the gross receipts of any business that takes in more than $2 million annually.
Of course he says big business does not pay its share under the current tax structure and apparently he sees $2 million a year as an indicator of big business. A thinking person, something Blagojevich could never be mistaken for, would see a few problems with the new plan:
Gross receipts are everything the business takes in, not the profits. (We assume a business has payroll, other taxes, insurance, advertising, rent, mortgages, utilities, etc. to pay from those gross receipts.)
Many people rely on these businesses for their means of supporting their families. The employees of the businesses that are forced to leave the state or close their doors will no longer have the means.
I would think anyone outside of Chicago and Madison County can see what a bad idea the GRT is.
Issue: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has proposed a Gross Receipts Tax on any Illinois business venture that has gross receipts in excess of $2 million annually. If this tax goes into effect no business would consider moving to Illinois and existing business owners would have to strongly consider moving from Illinois or closing their doors altogether.
1st degree: Chicago Mayor Richard Daley was riding to the office one unseasonably warm March morning (man-made global warming strikes again.) and noticed he was sweating. He asked the driver why the Hell it so warm in the car and was told the A/C wasn’t working. After berating the driver all the way to the office, Daley was really over-heated.
2nd degree: Stomping into his office, he noticed his personal lap dog Rod Blagojevich admiring his hair-helmet in the mayor’s mirror. “Sit!” Daley commanded to the submissive governor.
3rd degree: Once seated, Rod was treated to a tirade regarding the lack of funds being funneled to Chicago as the mayor explained, “I can’t even get a car with a functioning air conditioner!”
4th degree: A cowering Governor Blagojevich stammers about the state budget not being sufficient to fulfill the mayor’s needs.
5th degree: Mayor Daley gently informed the governor that he was put in the governor’s office for one reason, to serve the whims of The Chicago Machine, so he better find a way to get the money to its rightful place.
6th degree: In the wake of his mayoral spanking, Governor Blagojevich decided to prove he was a good liberal while finding a way to finance M other Chicago’s desires. He decided to tax the gross receipts of any business that takes in more than $2 million annually.
Of course he says big business does not pay its share under the current tax structure and apparently he sees $2 million a year as an indicator of big business. A thinking person, something Blagojevich could never be mistaken for, would see a few problems with the new plan:
Gross receipts are everything the business takes in, not the profits. (We assume a business has payroll, other taxes, insurance, advertising, rent, mortgages, utilities, etc. to pay from those gross receipts.)
Many people rely on these businesses for their means of supporting their families. The employees of the businesses that are forced to leave the state or close their doors will no longer have the means.
I would think anyone outside of Chicago and Madison County can see what a bad idea the GRT is.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Welcome to Conservative Thoughts from a Common Man
I was thinking this morning, as I scraped the ice from my windshield, maybe there is something to global warming after all. I don't remember Southern Illinois being this cold in April. Perhaps climate change is a real problem. My charitable instincts are urging me to send a check to Al Gore to help him pay for his carbon offsets (which he apparently buys from his own company) so he can pursue the noble crusade with even more vigor!
Later today I was thinking about the potential ramifications of Rudy Giuliani winning the Republican nomination for President. I was trying to determine if I could cast my vote for him with a clear conscience. After all, wouldn't he be far better than Hillary "bringing socialism back" Clinton, Barack Hussein Obama, or the spirit channeling personification of the reason health insurace costs are so high (John "the hair" Edwards?) My initial response was, yes, he would be undoubtedly better than any liberal candidate.... but there is still a problem. How important is the abortion issue? To me that is something I can't get past. I gave myself a simple test to determine if the abortion issue would preclude me from voting for Giuliani. I asked myself what issue could be chosen as more important than abortion. If there was an issue more important maybe I could vote for him based on a conservative view he holds on that particular issue and hope he only appoints constructionist justices as he has indicated he would. No issue I could think of met the importance criteria. At the risk of sounding like John Edwards channeling the spirit of a dead child to win a lawsuit, I thought, "If the millions of babies who were killed in the womb could be polled, what issue would take precedence over abortion?" My test resulted in the realization that while I admire some aspects of Giuliani's character, I cannot cast a vote for anyone that refuses to protect the most innocent of people.
This post is the beginning of what I hope to be a way of communicating what I see as important to anyone who cares to read it.
Later today I was thinking about the potential ramifications of Rudy Giuliani winning the Republican nomination for President. I was trying to determine if I could cast my vote for him with a clear conscience. After all, wouldn't he be far better than Hillary "bringing socialism back" Clinton, Barack Hussein Obama, or the spirit channeling personification of the reason health insurace costs are so high (John "the hair" Edwards?) My initial response was, yes, he would be undoubtedly better than any liberal candidate.... but there is still a problem. How important is the abortion issue? To me that is something I can't get past. I gave myself a simple test to determine if the abortion issue would preclude me from voting for Giuliani. I asked myself what issue could be chosen as more important than abortion. If there was an issue more important maybe I could vote for him based on a conservative view he holds on that particular issue and hope he only appoints constructionist justices as he has indicated he would. No issue I could think of met the importance criteria. At the risk of sounding like John Edwards channeling the spirit of a dead child to win a lawsuit, I thought, "If the millions of babies who were killed in the womb could be polled, what issue would take precedence over abortion?" My test resulted in the realization that while I admire some aspects of Giuliani's character, I cannot cast a vote for anyone that refuses to protect the most innocent of people.
This post is the beginning of what I hope to be a way of communicating what I see as important to anyone who cares to read it.
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